Summer of 2007

I once thought that the most awkward memory I had was anything that had to do with my first love. I didn’t even want to think about that time despite having vivid flashbacks. It turns out this will be all that was left for me to think about.

I was 11 in the summer of 2007. He was 14 and he lived next door. He was fair, tall, and cute. He scribbled something on a piece of paper, gave it to me, and he started running. It turns out he’s cowardly asking me out. He would finish the chores early so he could see me. On some days I would see him smiling while writing something on a whole piece sheet of paper. He would then insert the paper into the hole in the wall that connects to our house. It turns out to be a love letter that I would read over and over until it saturates me. We would meet at our friend’s house and talk for hours on end. He would hold my hand and stare at me for a long time. I would randomly receive a message on my phone from an email with strings of I Love Yous. On some days he would clap his hands so I would know he was outside. On the days that they moved to another place and I was sulking in my room, I would hear the familiar clap only to find him outside in his beige shirt, khaki pants, and clean-cut haircut.

He would walk miles from where they lived just to see me, and he would walk back to their home because he had to study. He couldn’t care less about the tiredness and distance because he wanted to see me, his first love.

One day, he decided to courageously face my father. He spent the evening in our home being sermoned at. I would be sitting upstairs, angry and humiliated, just because I wanted to keep us a secret. He eventually became my father’s ultimate favorite and they would spend hours hanging out.

Then I told him I didn’t want to see him anymore. We didn’t get to end things up. He cried that day. I never saw him then. 

Seventeen years later, he passed away.

Memories came rushing all at once that it was so hard for me to keep up. I was his first love and the first to break his heart. He was a good person, so innocent and pure. My heart was shattered when I learned that while I was living the years of my youth, he spent 17 years checking out on me secretly. I could have said I was sorry for breaking his heart all the while he remained faithful but all I did is brush him off my memory. All those years he never stopped thinking about me. I was confident that he would live his life fruitfully, but I didn’t know it would only be 31 fruitful years.

All that was left of me were the memories of the summer of 2007 and 17 years’ worth of sighs, longings, and regrets.

I left him crying that day but he didn’t know that when it was time for him to leave, I would be the one to cry as well.

To the Christian Guy Who Broke My Heart

This is me, finally accepting my defeat that no matter what I do, I am not on your league.

We are not only seeing each other. In fact we are not walking between the line. We were given the time. We were able to hold each other. You were able to pull me closer through my waist. I know all your jokes, your favorite songs, and your scent. That’s why it was hard when I decided to forget you because it also means forgetting the familiarity of the places we’ve gone, even the sound of your ring tone.

Even so, I want to thank you for pushing that we are always wrong for each other. Because of you, I learned what a true man is – he isn’t someone who gives signals only to be never heard again, leaving strings of excuses that it isn’t the right time yet. He isn’t someone who comes back when someone is taking his place. He isn’t someone who breaks hearts and pretend he’s up to waiting.

And as I look at your new messages asking me out again, while a part of me still thinks that we can make it official in the right time, I am also thinking that this distance between us is the exact closure I needed to get over this and get over you. And it’s also possible that a Christian guy like you – so perfect and devoted, could break hearts too. 

The Day I Decided to Ignore You

Once upon a time I was deeply in love with you, or maybe just the idea of you, or perhaps just the idea of love.

I can honestly say you’ve been on my mind lately. I’ve been itching to convince myself that I can no longer continue this way – living in false hopes and truths you’ve indirectly slapped to me long ago. So as much as it pains me to say this, and although it should have been said long before, now with all the courage I’ve finally mustered, I have to do the explanation.

I can no longer do the waiting for your midnight call. Even though I know it’s been quite a routine already, I can no longer fight the urge to sleep and pretend I’m up for a sleepless night of studying. Yes it’s cute when we’re both losing sleep, staying up at wee hours planning our future together, forbidding to make other people fall for each one of us, but never forbidding each other to meet other people – but that will no longer make me stay, at least at this moment that won’t make me stay. I am tired seeing your Facebook rants about how you can’t be in a relationship and how you continually deny you don’t have someone as of the moment, but spends the whole night before on the phone sweet talking, swearing you’re going to wait for me. I am more than a late night fling.

I never told you I am saving myself for you whenever you show all your subtle jealousy when guys publicly show interest in me. I never even show hints whenever I see you secretly eyeing girls. And that adds up to the things I won’t miss. I don’t easily give up, you know that. But I can no longer handle this. I can no longer handle seeing your flirty comments on your crush who continually ignores you. And I can no longer handle your sweet talks with other girls but when it comes to me, you suddenly turns to be a believer of “True Love Waits”. 

Whenever I think about the times we had, trust me, I don’t do it often. They just come up when you suddenly call me on a midnight when you are bored and I am contemplating to answer or not. Your memories appear blurred like they happened sometime in the past that sparks familiarity whenever I see something that reminds me of you. I no longer breakdown when passing familiar places or hearing our songs. The moment I finally got the courage to delete a thousand pictures of us, is the moment I realized you have no longer have space in my heart.

Honestly I’m so over you but I become undecided when you suddenly come up when I am lonely. It turns out you are just someone who like me when everybody is ignoring you. But then I realized you are not really someone as what I used to see – someone who claims that God has someone in store for me. And it took that fact so long to sink in that the one you’re talking to couldn’t be possibly you. For you are only preying me when you see you are already out of the picture and things are going well for me. 
And this day that I’ve come up to start ignoring you is the day I start breaking my heart too.

A Letter to the One Who Will Pursue Me

I don’t want you to pursue me just because you are lonely. Find your happiness in being alone confidently knowing that at the right time I will surely come along. I want you to pursue me when you are ready and you are not in a hurry.

I know there will be tiring and lonely nights but I want you to keep in mind that I exist and I am worth the wait.

I don’t want you to pursue me when you are recently dealing with a devastating relationship. I don’t want to hear dramas on how your ex broke your heart and how you were played. Sure, it’s nice to heal someone else’s heart but I don’t want to be the one who will do the fixing. I want you to pursue me when you’re already whole and mature enough to know that rebound is not your thing.

I don’t want you to pursue me to play your games. Just so you know I’m good at it but I don’t want to do the playing. I’ve been in a no strings attached relationships and I’m good at ignoring people after a night of professing love, however, I’m tired of going back to helpless situations. Don’t pursue me after a night of chitchat and after knowing me overnight. I want you to pursue me because commitments are really your thing.

I don’t want you to pursue me only to become an ex-girlfriend soon. I want you to understand that my concept of dating is to marry. Don’t pursue me because you want to experience the roller coaster of emotions in dating. Don’t pursue me when marriage is not on your list. I am preserving myself for someone who is manly enough to pursue me. The only time I would surely become your ex-girlfriend is when you make me your wife.

I want you to pursue me because you see completeness in me and you see your future in me. Pursue me because you love all the little things about me – the good and the bad and you find them amazing. Pursue me because you want to be the one I will be writing about. Pursue me because you want to protect me. Pursue me because you want to spend Sunday mornings sipping coffee with me. Pursue me because I am your only choice. So if you’re going to choose between me and another person, then don’t pursue me. I want you to see that I am precious, a person who loves consistency. I don’t want to spend the aftermath with someone who constantly thinks if he made the right decision.

Most importantly, pursue me at the right time when we are stable enough that dating will be our topmost priority. Right now, I want you to build and prepare yourself. Get a degree, work hard, invest as early as now, grow spiritually, travel as much as you can, and do all the things that you love because I want to hear them all when we will finally be together. I don’t want you to be the man of my dream, however, I want you to be a man of practicality. Don’t worry about throwing surprises; your burnt food and salty sunny-side-up are already enough for me.

So at the right time, pick yourself up and come pursue me.

No Strings Attached

It feels right, but I know it would not end right.

Come to think of it, I shouldn’t feel this way at all. I shouldn’t be dismayed in times when you don’t call or in times you ignore me for days. I shouldn’t be sad when you don’t ask me how it’s like after spending time with you. And of course, I can’t be crying every time you tell me to never tell anyone we’ve been going out together.

I know I don’t own you and perhaps I never will. So stupid of me to swoon on your words that you could have dated me if you never had a girlfriend. So stupid of me to wait for a reply when you’re busy minding the drama of your LDR girlfriend. So stupid of me to be a late night fling. Now I couldn’t be more stupid for asking my role in your life no matter how pathetic that may be. To ask for explanations how can you give mixed signals then come to ignore me. To pretend it’s not something to cry the whole night when you told me to never get attached to you because you don’t want to hurt me.

Of course, I couldn’t be her. I could never hold your heart the way she holds it like a trophy. I couldn’t post our pictures, or write something about you for the whole world to see. I will only be the one you’re secretly seeing the whole time. The one you’re sending false hopes no matter how many times you keep on reminding that we could never be more than that.

You see, I’m trying to be the best at loving you but I can’t possibly let you do the same for me. Whenever you’re with me, I know you’re not really with me no matter how I tried to change that. It’s simply because I’m not her. And as I look at yet another update of the two of you on my feed, with flowering words I wished you can say to me while a part of me still thinks in the lamest way that I hope you can make us official, I am also thinking that maybe this online PDA of your long-term relationship is the exact closure I need to get over this and get over you.

To the One I Almost Dated

Somehow I was successful in pretending that what we had was never really a big deal – like it’s almost a total blur. But just this once I’ll tell you how much I’m feeling to this whirlwind romance you never remember but I can’t possibly forget.

Don’t get me wrong. I miss you. I miss how everything used to be. I miss the simple things: the way you run your fingers through my hair and how you tell me it smells great, the way you look at me while I was whining, the way you patiently answer the question I asked a million times or the way you carry me in your arms to stop me from blabbering. I miss your spoon feeding even when my mouth still full and how those people watching in awe told us how a great couple we are and we’ll be laughing because we really are not. I miss the way you help me in my home works and the way you insert love notes in my books. Every time you ignore and walk past behind me, I see the one who used to stop and kiss me; I see the one I’m with the whole night doing crazy things: sitting on the sidewalk while you’re doing lame magic tricks, slow dancing on a midnight on the road where my father greatly forbids, and laughing our hearts out doing the piggyback ride while the world was asleep.

But there are things I didn’t miss. I didn’t miss being second to all the things that matter to you. I didn’t miss how you ignore me when your crush sends you sudden endearments because she needs you to do something. I didn’t miss the way you told me you like me but you have someone already in store. I didn’t miss your stories on how you got your heart broken. I didn’t miss pretending I don’t notice you eyeing to other girls. I didn’t miss your convincing that we don’t need labels. I didn’t miss my asking for making us official. I didn’t miss how you sent me to friend zone countless times with reasons so hard to understand after building hopes in my heart.

And I will be drinking the whole night while you were helplessly asking your crush out. I didn’t miss being a late night fling. And of all things I didn’t miss, I didn’t miss you.

Even though a part of me missed the things we do, I didn’t miss this unlabeled relationship, so toxic, the kind that made people jump off bridges. So yes, I missed us. God knows how much I missed us. But our love is not the kind of love I wanted.

To the Guy I Never Thought I’ll Get Over With

I’m doing well since the last time you pushed me away and I’m happy to say that this will be the last letter I’ll be writing for you.

It might be surprising because it took me a while to realize I am no longer the girl who spends the night awake staring at the ceiling. I am no longer the one who gets up in bed every morning only to crawl back later. I am no longer the girl who breaks down when passing a familiar place or hearing a song. I am no longer the girl who pretends to understand that commitment is not really your thing. And I am no longer the girl you’ve repeatedly been telling you’ll find again someday.

Maybe it’s because I was so blind at how you pretended to be the godly man you’re claiming to be. I was crazy about the whole thing that when I’ve found out you’ve been eyeing someone new again, I’ve came up to an excuse that maybe you are just too friendly: too friendly to secretly see someone and too friendly to be having benefits. Maybe it’s all because of the reasons I’ve came up with that you’d still find your way back to me. But then I realized this is not how things should be. I can’t be crazy for someone who sent me to friend zone countless times. I can’t be with someone who plays on my emotions because he knew very well I was head over heels all along. And of course, I can’t possibly cry for someone who was never really mine.

This will be the first time I am telling this because I was blinded by false hopes I never thought I’ll get over with: I THANK YOU for sending me to rockbottom only to realize I could still dig and start anew. If it never was for you, I would have settled for less. Because of you I finally knew what I wanted: to never settle for a guy like you, a guy who breaks hearts because commitment is never his thing. I never thought I am this strong for being able to finally move on from someone I am always crying for, the very reason for all the sighs and regrets. Now with open arms I am finally letting go. It’s not because I no longer care but it’s because I don’t have the reasons to hold on from a guy I never dated.

To the One-Sided Love I Once Had

 

“It would be perfect,” I thought if only it happened sometime in the future when he’s no longer a coward and I am not desperate.

You are not really mine to begin with and you never have plans either. How foolish of me to be so devastated by that no strings attached situation with you. It will always be a hard and painful thing to deal that even though I was left so many times and so easily, I don’t have the courage to rant because a friend doesn’t rant. And I was a friend.

I knew all along you are not the type who believe in labels. I was thinking maybe you were right, that a label is only a plain formality, that it really doesn’t matter if you go on dating without knowing what you are up for. It was okay then because I thought it’s where we’ll surely last long.

But then it hits me. Wait, I deserve better than this. I deserve better than waiting to be called up late at night. I deserve better than being a past time when your crush is ignoring you. I deserve better than being second to all the things that matter to you. I deserve better than being left and told to be “just friends” because you were afraid of commitments.

What we had was a beneficial relationship and I chose to never admit that because after all those steamy nights where we were alone and all those times we felt so intense, I really thought it was something more. When you told me you like me but you love her, I chose to close my ears and hope that maybe you would fall for me the next day if I continue to do more. But when you finally told me you never have plans and it’s not yet the right time for us, that’s when I break down.

You said you would still be there for me but no, I don’t want to be a mere courtesy. You can’t just disappear into my life and come back when you feel like it. There is no such thing as a wrong person at the right time because I only forced everything about us to fall perfectly today even though you were always a wrong one after all.

 

To the Guy Whose Love Was Unclear

I always thought that what you feel for me is something special, the kind of love I can hold on to. I tried to show that what we had is unlike the usual special-but-not-committed relationships though. Now I’ve never been so sure that there is nothing more heartbreaking than you, starting to ignore me, again.

I was the one you’re ranting on about how your crush puts you on a friendzone and how your Ex broke your heart. I was the one you’ve repeatedly been telling you never have plans for serious relationships, that the next one you’ll be having is the one you’ll be marrying. But then I was the one you’re sweet talking in the midnight, the one who’s with you all night long. I was the one you’re kissing, the one you’re holding on so tight. I was the one you’re sending kisses and the one you’re sending false hopes. I was the one you’re dying to talk with and the one you’re ignoring the next day.

All I know is that there’s a very reason why I am enduring such, and it’s because I love you. And that very love is what keeps me from holding on. That love is what keeping me from hoping that maybe one day you’ll realize then that it was me you’re loving all along, the very reason why I was hoping that maybe my all will be finally enough, the reason why I confused myself with the truth, that somehow there will come a time where you will no longer show you love me and then come to ignore me. But then I don’t know if that same love will help me get through. I don’t know if that same love will teach me where I should possibly stand in a situation like this. And most importantly, I don’t know if that very love is what you really wanted.

I knew all along you never really like me. I know by the way you treat me that you’re not taking me seriously. I know I was taken for granted: the one you expect to do what shouldn’t have been done, the one whose love for you was confessed many times, the one you expect to wait for you, the one who’s writing letters to which you never had any idea with. I know but I chose to ignore.

Now I know you are not a real guy then because a real guy doesn’t give mixed signals. He knows what he wants.

To The Guy Whose Kiss I Can’t Forget

For once I never thought that a kiss would send me offguard. Not until you gave me one.

I didn’t see it coming or never imagined it would happen either. You probably didn’t know what you did would never send me to sleep. Of course, you are the last guy I thought would kiss me. I wasn’t prepared, I never even saw hints. All I know is when you finally lean on quick, I swear no force on earth could stop the trembling of my hands.

It was the kiss that has been exchanged a thousand times between the eyes before it reaches the lips. And now I hate how gullible I was. I know it would send me to hopes again: hopes that you would love me like how I falsely thought you did, hopes that what happened was something special, hopes that it means so much to you, and all the hopes that I finally got over after you said we can no more than be friends. Now I was confused more than ever. It wasn’t a big deal, was it? Of course it was never a big deal for a one week whirlwind summer romance. Of course it was never a big deal because I am a friend. Of course it doesn’t mean anything to you because you never did like me. Of course what happened was NOT something special because you made a mistake again in expressing your feelings for me, the same mistake you told me before. And of course, I wasn’t someone special, someone you sent on FriendZone.

I know that was the end of it. You got over it and I am here making a big dramatic show about what the three-second kiss did to me although it really is something special, something to hold on to. I tried so hard to get better and get over this, to forget it all, and move on. And I thought I was getting to the point where I can finally say “I’m over it” but right now I couldn’t feel any worse for it wasn’t into my ears you whispered but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.