“We’ll rebuild these hopes and feelings soon,” you said. You said those words easily as if I know when you’ll come around and come back for me.
Before you even said on that phone call that I shouldn’t cry, actually I already did. I was thinking how foolish of me to even had my very own reasons why we can’t be together at time we wanted us to be, crazy reasons that this waiting will make a very good foundation in our relationship. I even convinced myself that you’re probably not ready yet, that somehow true love really waits. I tried to understand that this waiting will make our relationship worth it. And worse, I tried to make myself believe that it’s better that we have “something” instead of “nothing”.
As soon as you finally told me it isn’t the right time yet, I realized it didn’t matter who said it first or who said it. You explained as though you practiced everything you’re about to say – hesitating, breathing, and pausing in between lines. For the minutest second I was listening to the voice of the boy I once knew, the boy I loved, the voice of the guy I would rather hear than my favorite song, the voice I heard on the phone saying I have to get out of the house and look at the stars only to find him standing there, the voice I’m agitating to hear from a morning call and last one I want to hear before going to sleep. And then it was gone, it was goodbye. And as I look back at how you left me before, I realized it was happening right now, again, with the same reason, the same lines, that’s when I started crying.
I was blinded, I guess, by the way you make me feel this is worth waiting for. It’s how you put beautiful words together, or how I foolishly let you come back and let you leave me again with some reasons you told me before. It’s about how I melted when you told me you already fell for me. It’s about how I let you silence the loud doubts in my head. Now I don’t know how to put everything where it’s used to be and forget you.
Maybe one day we’ll be right for each other and it won’t be so hard for you to love me. Maybe one day we’ll meet again when you’re ready and I’m not in a hurry. But that day isn’t today. Today you’re not into commitment and I am too pushy. Today even if we work out and as much as I want us, I can’t keep pretending that time is into us.
So please don’t have the audacity to say we’ll be waiting for each other for that “right time” and that time will make us wonderfully perfect for each other. I don’t know until when I can possibly endure to wait for your come back and rebuild the love we once made. We will never be enough for each other. We will never be better for each other. You were a lesson, but I confused you for a soulmate.
One thing I learned from the end of my life as I knew it: Tonight is the first and the longest time I cried.