An Open Letter To My Future Boyfriend

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Dear My Soon-to-be-Honeybunch,SugarPlum,Pumpkin,SweetyPie,

Now I know the reason why I always end up having a failed relationship. I finally figured out why they all ended that way. Let me guess the reason. Maybe it is because you are meant to stay, to teach me that two people in a relationship needs to grow “together”, and to have a special, exceptional friend who knows all my quirks and dirty secrets other people don’t have any idea with. And because you are my soon to be cuppycake, gumdrops, snoogums, boogums, and all, you deserve to be aware of how imperfect your perfect girl is.

First, I EAT A LOT. Please bear with me especially in days when I wanted to just eat and eat. Accompany me when I say I wanted to eat the 7 Eleven ice cream, offer me coffee after a frustrating exam, ask me if I want to eat the food I’ve been quietly staring the whole time, buy me Chuckie after a big fight, and when I say I’m full, most of the time I really don’t mean it.

Second, I HATE TO BE TICKLED. Never ever touch the sensitive parts of my body. And when I say sensitive, I’m referring to my whole body. You may be surprised if I suddenly jerk when you touch my upper arm, or my hips, or my shoulder. I didn’t mean to be that sensitive so just imagine how I can possibly react when you tickle me. Never do that Honey.

Third, I PREFER DUTCH MEAL. I don’t like the very traditional act of guys paying bills. I mean it doesn’t have to be the guy who will face the expenses, the fare, the after meal bills, and all. You’re my boyfriend, not an ATM card, a bank, a cheque, a bodyguard, a yaya (who’s obliged to carry my things), and a punching bag. I answered you not to be rest assured that I have someone who will do the rest. So my dear future boyfriend, you can have the biggest phew (hahaha)

Fourth, NEVER LET ME GO TO SLEEP ANGRY. Because the truth is, I cannot sleep in that catatonic state. I’m just tossing around thinking why you’re such a jerk for letting me go to sleep thinking I’m unwanted. Be aware that I will be furiously composing a hundred drafts of text messages and ending up sending nothing. I will be awake the whole night and it’s never a good idea to let me stay that way because I will be angry for a couple of weeks, except of course, if you will give me Chuckie the next morning.

Fifth, I AM CLUMSY. Expect that you will see me the next day with a big bruise on my arm and leg after I slipped on the school’s stairs and hallway or bumped at all the chairs, tables, and all the furnitures I met along the way. Also even if I haven’t done anything yet, I’m sorry for my future clumsiness. I will be going to drop your phone, to stain on your clothes, to spill on your favorite shoes, and all the worst things in the world you expect. Please just don’t shout at me if I unintentionally left your phone in a public place or get mad at me if I spill coffee on your jeans. I know I deserve the angriest “What did you do to my —?!” But hey, does a big tight hug okay?

Sixth, I AM ANNOYING. Don’t be annoyed if I will just stop, stare, and ask why you look so cute after I asked that a couple of seconds ago. Don’t get mad if I am going to get all the Jollibee spaghetti’s meatballs on your plate, or get humiliated if I laugh and point at someone on the mall because he looks funny to me, or get annoyed if I guess every punchline of yours before it was said. Please don’t get tired of me being asleep always on your lap. I never do all that to someone I’m not comfortable with.

My dear future boyfriend, you deserve to know all these little secrets and you deserve to be waited. I know you were praying for me all along that’s why I never get a luck in relationships (assuming haha). I will wait for you to come and knock on my door. Wait, you already did.

Now the seventh is for you to find out.

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