To the Christian Guy Who Broke My Heart


This is me, finally accepting my defeat that no matter what I do, I am not on your league.

We are not only seeing each other. In fact we are not walking between the line. We were given the time. We were able to hold each other. You were able to pull me closer through my waist. I know all your jokes, your favorite songs, and your scent. That’s why it was hard when I decided to forget you because it also means forgetting the familiarity of the places we’ve gone, even the sound of your ring tone.

Even so, I want to thank you for pushing that we are always wrong for each other. Because of you, I learned what a true man is – he isn’t someone who gives signals only to be never heard again, leaving strings of excuses that it isn’t the right time yet. He isn’t someone who comes back when someone is taking his place. He isn’t someone who breaks hearts and pretend he’s up to waiting.

And as I look at your new messages asking me out again, while a part of me still thinks that we can make it official in the right time, I am also thinking that this distance between us is the exact closure I needed to get over this and get over you. And it’s also possible that a Christian guy like you – so perfect and devoted, could break hearts too. 

I’m keeping you a secret for as long as I can

I don’t want to show you off for the whole world to know that I am secretly seeing you but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel the same way towards you.

We are at the point between dating and hanging out and I believe that we can keep each other secret for as long as we can. What we have right now is for us to understand and I believe that’s what matters. We don’t need validations from people who don’t even have any idea about how we came up to this. I can’t even figure out myself how we came right where we are now – so sudden, like whirlwind romance, the kind of love that made people sweep them off their feet.

For now let us enjoy this quiet space between the two of us. Let us talk about how you mustered the courage to talk to me, and how everything follows after that night in that coffee shop. Let us talk about our awkward talks to our planned travels. Tell me about ships and seas and I’ll tell you how my heart went premature ventricular contraction with your haircut and white uniform. Let’s wander to places we are unfamiliar with and just laugh at the thought of getting lost together.

Let us not tell the world what’s going on between us. Let them read between lines and never reveal about us. Let them wonder why I let someone fetch me at midnight and bring my loads of stuff. Let them guess your name and what’s really going on between us because honestly, we don’t know either.

We are at the point between dating and hanging out and I believe that we can keep each other a secret for a very long time. I believe there is a right time for everything. Let us pursue our dreams together and I couldn’t be more excited than seeing you navigating while I am dressed in my laboratory coat. Because again, what’s going on between us is for us to understand that what we had is not just merely dating – we are waiting for the right time, and that’s more than just hanging out.

To the Guy I Never Thought I’ll Get Over With

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I’m doing well since the last time you pushed me away and I’m happy to say that this will be the last letter I’ll be writing for you.

It might be surprising because it took me a while to realize I am no longer the girl who spends the night awake staring at the ceiling. I am no longer the one who gets up in bed every morning only to crawl back later. I am no longer the girl who breaks down when passing a familiar place or hearing a song. I am no longer the girl who pretends to understand that commitment is not really your thing. And I am no longer the girl you’ve repeatedly been telling you’ll find again someday.

Maybe it’s because I was so blind at how you pretended to be the godly man you’re claiming to be. I was crazy about the whole thing that when I’ve found out you’ve been eyeing someone new again, I’ve came up to an excuse that maybe you are just too friendly: too friendly to secretly see someone and too friendly to be having benefits. Maybe it’s all because of the reasons I’ve came up with that you’d still find your way back to me. But then I realized this is not how things should be. I can’t be crazy for someone who sent me to friend zone countless times. I can’t be with someone who plays on my emotions because he knew very well I was head over heels all along. And of course, I can’t possibly cry for someone who was never really mine.

This will be the first time I am telling this because I was blinded by false hopes I never thought I’ll get over with: I THANK YOU for sending me to rockbottom only to realize I could still dig and start anew. If it never was for you, I would have settled for less. Because of you I finally knew what I wanted: to never settle for a guy like you, a guy who breaks hearts because commitment is never his thing. I never thought I am this strong for being able to finally move on from someone I am always crying for, the very reason for all the sighs and regrets. Now with open arms I am finally letting go. It’s not because I no longer care but it’s because I don’t have the reasons to hold on from a guy I never dated.