To the Christian Guy Who Broke My Heart


This is me, finally accepting my defeat that no matter what I do, I am not on your league.

We are not only seeing each other. In fact we are not walking between the line. We were given the time. We were able to hold each other. You were able to pull me closer through my waist. I know all your jokes, your favorite songs, and your scent. That’s why it was hard when I decided to forget you because it also means forgetting the familiarity of the places we’ve gone, even the sound of your ring tone.

Even so, I want to thank you for pushing that we are always wrong for each other. Because of you, I learned what a true man is – he isn’t someone who gives signals only to be never heard again, leaving strings of excuses that it isn’t the right time yet. He isn’t someone who comes back when someone is taking his place. He isn’t someone who breaks hearts and pretend he’s up to waiting.

And as I look at your new messages asking me out again, while a part of me still thinks that we can make it official in the right time, I am also thinking that this distance between us is the exact closure I needed to get over this and get over you. And it’s also possible that a Christian guy like you – so perfect and devoted, could break hearts too. 

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The Day I Decided to Ignore You

Once upon a time I was deeply in love with you, or maybe just the idea of you, or perhaps just the idea of love.

I can honestly say you’ve been on my mind lately. I’ve been itching to convince myself that I can no longer continue this way – living in false hopes and truths you’ve indirectly slapped to me long ago. So as much as it pains me to say this, and although it should have been said long before, now with all the courage I’ve finally mustered, I have to do the explanation.

I can no longer do the waiting for your midnight call. Even though I know it’s been quite a routine already, I can no longer fight the urge to sleep and pretend I’m up for a sleepless night of studying. Yes it’s cute when we’re both losing sleep, staying up at wee hours planning our future together, forbidding to make other people fall for each one of us, but never forbidding each other to meet other people – but that will no longer make me stay, at least at this moment that won’t make me stay. I am tired seeing your Facebook rants about how you can’t be in a relationship and how you continually deny you don’t have someone as of the moment, but spends the whole night before on the phone sweet talking, swearing you’re going to wait for me. I am more than a late night fling.

I never told you I am saving myself for you whenever you show all your subtle jealousy when guys publicly show interest in me. I never even show hints whenever I see you secretly eyeing girls. And that adds up to the things I won’t miss. I don’t easily give up, you know that. But I can no longer handle this. I can no longer handle seeing your flirty comments on your crush who continually ignores you. And I can no longer handle your sweet talks with other girls but when it comes to me, you suddenly turns to be a believer of “True Love Waits”. 

Whenever I think about the times we had, trust me, I don’t do it often. They just come up when you suddenly call me on a midnight when you are bored and I am contemplating to answer or not. Your memories appear blurred like they happened sometime in the past that sparks familiarity whenever I see something that reminds me of you. I no longer breakdown when passing familiar places or hearing our songs. The moment I finally got the courage to delete a thousand pictures of us, is the moment I realized you have no longer have space in my heart.

Honestly I’m so over you but I become undecided when you suddenly come up when I am lonely. It turns out you are just someone who like me when everybody is ignoring you. But then I realized you are not really someone as what I used to see – someone who claims that God has someone in store for me. And it took that fact so long to sink in that the one you’re talking to couldn’t be possibly you. For you are only preying me when you see you are already out of the picture and things are going well for me. 
And this day that I’ve come up to start ignoring you is the day I start breaking my heart too.